What lies behind the strong fear that makes you avoid intimate relationships?
Well, the answer is: Fear helps you stay in a sure and familiar place, even if it means being alone.
Now you’re probably squirming in your seat, protesting, “No way! I want a relationship more than anything. I don’t care about fear. I want to be happy with someone special in my life.”
The words sound so nice and sweet, but under the surface, what runs the show is your subconscious mind, that vast part of you beyond the grasp of your conscious awareness.
If your unconscious is not ready right now for a relationship and your fear controls you from within, you won’t be able to get into a relationship and actually sustain it.
As your fears take over, you’ll unwittingly do anything to ruin any good opportunity that comes your way without being aware of it.
So What Causes This Fear?
Most of our fears, especially those that are associated with relationships, were created due to painful childhood experiences.
Some of our survival needs such as love, protection, stability, security, and peace were not met by our caregivers.
So we’re looking to fix those unmet needs with people who remind us similarities of our caregivers’ patterns.
However, some of our unmet needs during the upbringing period were such a painful trauma, so many of us just rather avoid being vulnerable.
Relationships often enough triggering those wounds to open up again, and committing to someone else through intimacy, is just too much to bear.
Here’s one of my favorite quotes that explain it best ( ~Harville Hendrix, Author of Keeping the Love You Find.)
“Romantic Love delivers us into the passionate arms of someone who will ultimately trigger the same frustrations we had with our parents, but for the best possible reason! Doing so brings our childhood wounds to the surface so they can be healed.”
Or you might have opened your heart in the past and given your all to make a relationship work out, but the experience left you broken-hearted.
This pain stayed with you ever since and is now preventing you from opening up and creating the intimacy you’ve been craving.
Your mind and body remember your previous heartbreak on a cellular level, and this memory and the feelings it triggers resonate with you without your even knowing it.
It’s All In Your Brain
The problem is with the amygdala. This primitive part of your brain activates a danger signal every time you deviate from your routine.
For example, if you’re used to being by yourself and have had this lifestyle for quite a while, a relationship might wake up the amygdala and turn on its alarm: “Danger! Danger! You’re getting far away from what you’re used to. Go back immediately to what you know best: being alone!”
Usually, you interpret these mind messages as warning signals or intuitive guidance.
And then what happens? You’ll come up with all the excuses in the world for ending this relationship right away: he eats with his mouth open; she talks a lot; he didn’t leave a big tip in the restaurant; she doesn’t read nonfiction; he loves Friends and I’m a fan of Seinfeld.
So From Now On, Try To Have This Goal:
Notice those alarm signals and identify them as irrational fear. Don’t confuse them with intuition or gut feelings.
Just because you got hurt in the past by an ex-girlfriend who cheated on you with your best friend, be aware that this doesn’t tell you anything about the woman in whom you’re interested now.
Try to act out of conscious choice and not react while on auto-pilot.
I know, it sounds impossible. It’s so easy to be tempted to give in to these fears and continue the familiar and convenient cycle you created.
But guess what? If you do so, you won’t be able to grow . And sure thing, you also won’t be able to attract the love you desire.
Here’s a way to expose the patterns that pop up from your unconscious fears. Ask yourself these questions:
– What kind of fears come to the surface when I start a new relationship?
– What do I do when these fears arise? How do I act?
– Have I acted like this before? Is there a repetitive pattern here?
– What do I gain out of this fear-based behavior? For example: “I don’t have to risk putting my heart on the line.” “I live my routine exactly as I want without having to consider someone else’s needs.”
Always remember: you have a choice at each moment in life. You can choose to give in to your old conditioning, or you can choose to transcend your old patterns and reach heights of personal growth you never knew before.
Repeated, frequent exposure to the subliminal messages in this meditation will cleanse your system of your subconscious fears.
Thanks to this new start, you’ll finally be able to open up your heart and make space for your romantic partner to step in.