End Your Fear Of Being In A Relationship
What lies behind the strong fear of being in a relationship? What is the root cause that makes you avoid getting close to someone else and stick there?
Well, the answer is: Fear helps you stay in a sure and familiar place, even if it means to be alone.
Now you’re probably squirming in your seat, protesting, “No way! I want a relationship more than anything. I don’t have fear of being in a relationship. I want to be happy with someone special in my life.”
Sure, you might want these things consciously, what runs the show is your subconscious mind, that vast part of you beyond the grasp of your logical awareness.
As your fears take over, you’ll unwittingly do anything to ruin any good opportunity that comes your way without being aware of it.
What Causes Your Fear of Attachment?
Most of our fears, especially those that are associated with being in a relationship, were created due to painful childhood experiences.
Some of our survival needs such as love, comfort, ease, protection, stability, security, and peace were not met by our caregivers.
So we’re looking to heal those unmet childhood needs in our adult connections with people who remind us similarities of our caregivers’ patterns.
However, some of our unmet needs during the upbringing period were such painful trauma, so many of us just rather steer clear of being vulnerable.
Relationships often enough triggering those wounds to open up again. So, committing to someone else is just too much to pressure to bear.
Here’s one of my favorite quotes that explain it best ( ~Harville Hendrix, author of Keeping the Love You Find.)
“Romantic Love delivers us into the passionate arms of someone who will ultimately trigger the same frustrations we had with our parents, but for the best possible reason! Doing so brings our childhood wounds to the surface so they can be healed.”
Or you might have opened your heart in the past and given your all to make a relationship work out, but the experience left you broken-hearted.
This pain stayed inside you ever since and is now manifesting as a fear of getting into a relationship. That painful experience hinders you from opening up and creating the emotional closeness you’ve been craving.
Your mind and body remember your previous heartbreak on a cellular level. Every time you meet a potential partner, that cellular memory is activating your limbic system to ring the “danger” bell.
The Relationship Fear Is All In Your Brain
The fear that raises when facing the option of a relationship, turns on your amygdala. This primitive part of your brain activates a danger signal every time you deviate from your staying alone routine.
For example, if you’re used to being by yourself and have had this lifestyle for quite a while, a relationship might wake up the amygdala and turn on its alarm: “Danger! You’re getting far away from what you’re used to. Go back immediately to what you know best: being on your own, away from the potential of putting your heart at risk!”
Usually, you falsely interpret these fears as warning signals or intuitive guidance.
And then what happens? You’ll come up with all the excuses in the world for ending this partnership right away.
You’ll logically convince yourself with excuses like: he eats with his mouth open; she talks a lot; he didn’t leave a big tip in the restaurant; she doesn’t read nonfiction; he loves ‘Friends’ and I’m a fan of ‘Seinfeld’.
So From Now On, Try To Have This Goal:
Notice those fear-based signals and identify them as irrational programming that is designed to keep you miserable. Don’t confuse them with intuition or gut feelings.
Just because you got hurt in the past by an ex-girlfriend who cheated on you with your best friend, be aware that this horrific experience doesn’t say anything about the woman in whom you’re interested now.
Try to respond consciously, rather than acting on your fear of being in a relationship.
I know, it sounds super difficult, because our limbic brain takes over the cortex part of the brain.
It’s so easy to be tempted to give in to these fears and continue the familiar and convenient cycle that has been created by you undeliberately as a protective mechanism.
But guess what? If you do so, listening to those lies in your head and be afraid of getting into long-term relationships, you’ll impede your growth as an evolved being. And sure enough, you also won’t be able to attract the love you truly desire.
Here’s a way to expose the patterns that pop up from your unconscious fears. Ask yourself these questions:
– What types of fears come to the surface when I start a new relationship?
– What do I do when these concerns arise? How do I act?
– Have I acted like this before? Is there a repetitive pattern here?
– What do I gain out of this anxiety of getting too attached?
For example: “I don’t have to risk putting my heart on the line.” “I live my routine exactly as I want without having to consider someone else’s needs.”
Always remember: you have a choice at each moment in life. You can choose to give in to your phobia of bonding conditioning, or you can choose to transcend that unhealthy patterns. If you decided you’re ready to do it, you’ll reach heights of personal development you never knew before.
Repeated, frequent exposure to these recordings can dramatically cleanse your system of your fears of deepening your connections.
Thanks to this new start, you’ll finally be able to open up your heart and make space for your romantic partner to step in.