Many times, when you explode with anger, you feel temporary relief afterward. But when you see the pain and suffering of your victims, you feel regret, guilt, sadness, and remorse. At the moment of truth, you have no clue how to control your anger.
Then you grab your head and ask yourself, “What did I do it for? Why did I behave this way?”
We all feel anger occasionally or stumble upon anger that’s directed towards us.
Anger is an integral part of our natural emotional fabric and may rise up when:
* We feel people don’t listen to us, don’t understand us, don’t care about us, or are rejecting us.
* Something goes wrong or not as smoothly as we expect.
* A loved one, colleague, friend, or acquaintance does something that counteracts or blocks what we want.
* We feel that we’re victims of uncontrollable forces: natural disasters, accidents, crimes, even traffic or the weather.
I don’t believe that you can or should give up anger. Anger is a natural human feeling like every other.
Control your anger, don’t ignore it
The question is HOW to express yourself in an assertive yet healthy way. It’s important to learn how to control your anger and express it without hurting your sense of self or losing the respect of others.
In order to avoid ruining your social life and your mental, physical, and emotional health, you need to be able to deal with anger issues.
That doesn’t mean eliminating anger, but rather controlling anger effectively so it won’t damage your life.
You might be thinking that expressing anger is being real and honest with yourself and others. “I’m not a phony or a hypocrite. I tell the truth.”
That so-called honesty includes screaming, shouting, humiliation, aggressiveness, disrespect… But when you humiliate, mock, and hurt another person, it doesn’t mean you’re being real. It means you’re being mean.
You CAN say what you want to say in an assertive manner without forcing your needs on others. Subdue them, but accept that they’re different from you.
You can be real even if you’re treating every other human with the respect he or she deserves. (The same goes for animals too.) Being nice and kind doesn’t make you less real.
Outbursts of rage come with a heavy price.
How does anger affect your life
1. Isolates you.
2. Has led to the dissolution of your marriage, friendship, or business partnership. Check out this blog post at IQ Matrix: “How to Control Your Anger and Mend Your Relationships” by Adam Sicinski. Another good read is “How to Control Anger in Relationships” at Dada Bhagwan.
3. Gets you in trouble with the law.
4. Makes you depressed. If you repress anger so people won’t see “the real you” and therefore abandon you, you’re trapping all that
negative energy inside yourself. The anger continues to burn within, obscuring your happiness and peace of mind. The anger then changes
into long-term depression.
5. Gives you a low quality of life by wearing you down and leading to: stress, anxiety, lack of enjoyment, unfulfilled potential, high blood pressure, minor and major illnesses, impaired immune function, digestive issues
Where does anger come from?
In most cases, anger is a result of programming. You learned by watching someone else react this way when things don’t go exactly how you expect them to.
You saw your mom or dad release the energy of anger when something didn’t happen as they planned. You were designed to respond with anger.
Maybe your parents turned their bubbling anger toward you and created negative feelings such as, “They don’t love me. I’m not good enough. It’s hard to love me.”
All these messages your brain received make you angry with yourself and resentful of the world.
Even though your parents wanted the best for you, they entered into their role without sufficient experience and qualifications. The average parent is only capable of passing on his or her own flawed understanding of life and how the world works.
Every parent brings his or her own conscious and subconscious patterns and beliefs to the table. Some of these are efficient and healthy, and some are highly destructive.
Perceiving the world as hostile and dangerous, always protecting yourself against potential danger, is bound to stress you out and give you a short fuse.
Most of the time, the danger you anticipate never comes, but you’re always tense, so you perceive innocent situations as dangerous.
Criticism and judgment
If you want to know how to control your anger effectively, it’s important to unlearn your habit of seeing the world as black and white, right and wrong.
When you feel a need to criticize everything that differs from your own values, you’ll naturally build up anger toward anything that opposes you.
If you trust only yourself and reject other approaches, you’ll find it difficult to understand how to control your anger. Perceiving other ideas as terrifying, wrong, or stupid will cause you to reject people and make you feel lonely.
All of these reasons above might got to do with the first source – a childhood subconscious programming.
How to deal with uncontrolled anger
Understand that you might have childhood wounds that were never treated. A good first step toward learning how to control your anger is to understand that your childhood was not your fault.
However, as an adult, you have a responsibility to repair the damage.
Get professional help. Asking for help is nothing to be ashamed of. On the contrary, if you don’t learn how to control your anger, you’ll take on shame and become more prone to tantrums. It’s a snowball effect.
Anger management isn’t just for criminals. An expert can teach you how to control your anger with a variety of techniques.
Identify the patterns that make you angry. Do you get angry with your partner yet feel calm when dealing with the rest of the world?
Does your anger come up when you’re dealing with everyday matters such as paying the bills? Do you become furious when making phone calls to customer support reps who don’t help you with what you need and don’t understand what you’re telling them?
Is your anger generally triggered when things don’t go exactly as you’d hoped? Are you prone to anger when you’re hungry and your blood sugar drops?
Understand that life is dynamic. A sequence of events depends on so many factors. Have you heard about the butterfly effect? You alone can’t control the reactions of others and the exact way you want your life to unfold.
Moreover, the energy of anger, which is considered to be in the low spectrum of the negative emotions, draws to you more and more situations that will trigger your anger and lack of satisfaction.
Because you’re tuned into a negative frequency that magnetizes the same energy you offer to the world.
What you give is what you get. So let go. Accept the fact that not everything must happen just as you want. And that’s okay.
Flow with life. Lighten up. Learn to be more flexible. You might find that it’s more fun and interesting this way.
Explore the main thought behind your anger. Usually, if you’re angry with someone or something, there’s a thought behind it. In most cases, that thought is a form of a should:
• “Things should be this way.”
• “He shouldn’t have said or done that.
• “There shouldn’t be traffic right now.”
Once you’ve identified the specific thought, challenge it: Is it true? What makes you believe things should or shouldn’t be a certain way?
If you let go of the thought that things should or should not happen in a certain manner, you’ll also let go of the pain you feel when you’re disappointed and gradually learn how to control your anger.
Practice meditation. Meditation has so many benefits. By training your brain and taking charge of your thoughts, you can eventually learn how to control your anger.
Plenty of meditation tips advise you to focus on your breath, use a mantra, and let thoughts drift away.
A post at The Art of Living entitled “Control Your Anger Before It Controls You” offers lots of helpful meditation advice that’s geared toward controlling anger.
You can also supercharge your mindfulness practice by listening to my Anger Management subliminal message audio.
Keep an analysis journal. Write down your feelings and explore the past. A post at Juvoni Beckford expounds on the benefits of “The Emotional Journal.”
Think about whether you could have responded differently to certain events. If so, write down the ideas you have on how to control your anger. Think of things that pissed you off in the past week and list alternative reactions.
TIP: Create in your home a safe place to work so you can express the rainbow of emotions in writing.
When you learn how to control your anger without stifling it, you set a good example for others. You also show that you’re strong enough to express yourself yet emotionally mature enough not to lash out.
Not to mention the fact that you’ll dramatically increase your life enjoyment and satisfaction. For a final dose of inspiration, check out this video by Lisa at Club 31 Women.
If you put your mind to it, you’ll learn that dealing with anger issues will pay off in more ways than you might expect.
Are you ready to remove anger, heal your emotional wounds, and finally experience joy, ease & abundance? Find out how I did it.