Stop Chasing People Who Don’t Want You
It’s time to stop chasing people who don’t want you. It’s time to stop obsessing about people who are not willing to create space for you in their life.
You know what it’s like: you see this person and they are everything you ever wanted in a partner or friend – or at least they appear to be so. The only problem is they don’t feel the same way about you.
So you chase them and try to prove yourself to them. If they would just hear you out or give you a chance, they would see how great a friend you are or they would fall in love with you.
- You text or call them non-stop. If they don’t reply, then you feel anxious or unworthy.
- You stalk them on social media and share all their posts even the ones you barely read or understand.
- You laugh too hard at their jokes while on a date and around other people.
- You bend over backward to please people and sometimes go against your own values just to show them what a team player or nice person you are.
When none of these work, we only try harder, hoping for a breakthrough that will make things “right”.
Pretty much everyone at some point in their lives has felt this need to chase people, it’s a normal part of life.
Maybe the first date did not go well for some reason and the wrong message was passed across, or maybe an unfortunate event on your part caused a sudden rift between you and a friend, and you feel you can make it right if given a second chance.
This is NOT a post against asking for second chances (or maybe even third chances).
Where the problem arises is the case where you consistently can’t take a hint, and always chase people who don’t want you.
If you find yourself unable to stop chasing emotionally or physically unavailable people, or you find yourself trying to beg for the friendship of people who no longer want to be your friend or who have never wanted to be your friend in the first place, then huddle up and let’s talk.
It’s time to learn how you can stop chasing people who don’t give a damn about you. But before we can do that, it’s important we investigate the possible causes of this cringe-worthy behavior.
Why Do We Chase People Who Don’t Want Us Anyway?
Back in the gloomy days before I began my self-development journey, I used to chase people who were not interested in me. I couldn’t help myself. I needed people to love me, in order for me to feel valued and love myself.
I thought I needed the love and acceptance of others to validate my existence. So I chased as my life depended on it.
When I eventually began my healing process, I discovered that these situations were simply pointers to a much deeper problem, one that went all the way back to my childhood.
You can read here the main method I used to clear my mind of toxic patterns.
If you can’t stop chasing people who don’t want you–friends, lovers, co-workers and so on, the roots of your problem probably lie in your childhood.
Here’s how it happened for me:
My mom raised my brother and me as a single parent, and while she loved us as a parent, the pressure and demands of working full time and raising us left her more than a little bit angry.
To cope with her situation she kept things as simple as possible and tightly controlled everything. Independent opinions and needs were not tolerated; it was her way or the highway.
Growing up in an environment where my need to feel safe–to feel important and validated–was neglected ended up leaving me with a constant need to overreach for the attention and care of everybody around me as an adult.
I had an unmet need to feel loved and cared for, and this caused me to start chasing emotionally unavailable people in two mischievous ways:
- My need to feel loved and wanted to attract unavailable people who triggered my need to feel loved strongly so that I ended up feeling I had to “fix” it.
- My unmet need left me feeling “unworthy of being loved” and so I was always trying to be “nice” to everyone around me so that I could convince them to invest time and energy on me.
The majority of people who find they cannot stop chasing people who don’t want them will relate to this. But there are other ways in which your emotional relationships with your caregivers in childhood can affect your relationships as an adult:
- Psychologists have noted that people who grew up in a household in which they were emotionally rejected by one or both parents sometimes end up seeking out scenarios where they are rejected because their brains interpret these (wrongly) as “normal” social interactions.
- People who have a history of being emotionally rejected–especially by a parent-unconsciously seek out these situations hoping to rewrite the ending (Sound familiar?). Only it does not get better, no matter how hard they try.
Believe that You Are Awesome: How to Stop Chasing Those Who Don’t Want You
You’ve got to understand this: you are absolutely, without a doubt, worthy of being loved and feeling wanted. There is nothing wrong with you, and you don’t need to prove anything to anyone.
Learn to take rejection and be ok with people not liking you. Instead, shift your focus on YOU liking you.
Give your attention back to yourself, claim back your power! Don’t be afraid to lose people by being you.
If you change the way you are just to make them appreciate you, you end up losing yourself. Trust me, you’d much rather lose others than losing yourself. There is nothing worse than ditching yourself, your dignity and values.
If things don’t work out–that just means you and that person, whoever they are, were not a great fit. Lesson learned. The right fit is out there, and when you meet them you won’t have to twist yourself out of shape just to get their attention.
Here are a few steps you can take to help you stop chasing people who don’t want you
1. Be Mindful of Your Behavior Always:
This way you can always catch yourself when you revert to the bad habit of trying to make people like you. The more mindful you are, the more you can consciously decide to be yourself in the presence of others.
2. Practice Positive Affirmations
When you recite positive affirmations PLUS create new healthy experiences as a substitute for trying to please people, it allows you to shift your conditioning.
This shift in your conditioning or internal paradigms is a very powerful step you must take if you want to stop chasing people who don’t want you.
Stop and tell yourself positive things like:
- I don’t need to chase anyone.
- I don’t need to prove anything to anyone. I am okay. I am great just the way I am.
- It is not my job to make others like me. It is my job to like and respect myself.
- Whether this person wants me in their life or not, I will be just fine!
You want to choose statements that resonate with you and which go opposite your old way of doing things. But at the same time, make sure these statements don’t raise a lot of resistance.
As you are being mindful of your patterns AND at the same time reframing your thought pattern with a healthy alternative, the effect on this on your brain is huge.
In this exercise, you combine both changing your experience by being observant with planting new seeds in your mind.
If you want to really boost your self-worth and stop chasing people, check out my powerful subliminal meditations that can help you instill new and healthy programming:
These steps work like a very powerful one-two punch that will knock out your old pattern of chasing people who don’t have want you.
In the end, these steps will help you build your self-worth and self-esteem, and also help you surround yourself with people who love the real you and appreciate your company.