Have you ever wondered why you feel ashamed? Not feeling proud of who you are, afraid to be seen, or tending to be apologetic for almost everything?
I want to explain the root of shame through a case study.
Little Timmy’s Story
Let’s take Timmy, for example. Timmy grew up in a house of an alcoholic father, who physically and emotionally hurt him, and a codependent neglecting mother, who was barely there for Timmy.
She was constantly fearing the frightening side effects of not standing by her husband’s “side.”
Even though that they showed to the out world they were a ‘normal’ family, anyone who was observant enough could detect that this family was abusive for little Timmy.
But Timmy, as a little child could not see it. His brain wasn’t developed enough, at a young age, to associate his parents’ toxic behaviors toward him as their own.
Instead, his brain perceived it as – “It is my fault that my dad beats me. I must be bad”.
This is how shame was created.
And as he continued to experience these unfortunate, painful events, the belief “I should be ashamed of myself because I am no good. Otherwise, my mom would pay attention to me, and my father would smile at me” had sustained itself as one of his dominant programming.
When children are baffled by mixed messages or when their needs are unmet, they often conclude that they’re stupid or feeling meaningless.
The Need to Change Yourself to Be Liked
Also, Timmy saw that his parents didn’t react well to his REAL self, so as an unconscious survival strategy, he CHANGED himself so he can “fix” his parents’ problems (or reactions to him)-
“Who I am right now is no good. Maybe if I change who I am, they will treat me differently and give me the love I need”.
But when that tactic proved itself to be unsuccessful, the shame has rooted even deeper “Nothing is good about me. I can’t do anything right. I’m useless”.
In essence, abusing parents brainwash with a one-two-three-four punch:
1. Creating an environment hostile to growth
2. Blaming their children for creating this environment
3. Criticizing their children when the children suffer the consequences of the environment the parents created
4. Denying doing any of this
We Carry This Feeling Into Adulthood
As kids, we don’t just drop off this conditioning as we leave the house and living life as adults.
Oh no, we’re dragging it into adulthood, and it affects ANY area of our lives:
When we date people, in friendships, at work spheres, even experiences that seem meaningless like being at the grocery store “oh, I’m so sorry for slightly bumping into you” (the unconscious thought: please don’t be mad at me, please like me, because I cannot bear your dissatisfaction with me).
We become automatic apologizers without challenging it. Not even once.
As a grown-up, Timmy might develop codependent tendencies, and beliefs like “my needs don’t matter. I don’t matter. I should change myself so that others can like and love me”.
So, he ends up hiding his authentic self, feeling frustrated about it, without ever knowing why he’s depressed, anxious and unhappy…
A Path To Healing
If you’re tired of living your life automatically and become more mindful of your patterns…
If you finally want to start questioning your paradigms and be in sync with the right path to heal–
I invite you to take that step toward a deep journey into your soul, so you can start cleansing your brain of destructive blockages that rob you of the peace you deserve.
Are you ready to take responsibility for your well-being, remove shame and unworthiness feelings, and finally experience joy, ease & abundance? Are you ready to get rid of toxic shame?
Then remember this – it’s just your destructive conditioning, it’s not you. And you can rewire your brain at any time, no matter how far you are from your ideal life.