How Childhood Experiences Lead to Destructive Relationships in Adulthood
It is not a secret that we are all looking for love. We not only want love, we need it. This is because we are social, emotional animals who form deep ties with those around us.
When we first begin to explore our sexuality, we experiment and try different things. We invite people into our lives without being especially selective.
In fact, it may be fair to say that we have no standards at all, to begin with since we are trying to figure out what fits us and what doesn’t.
We define ourselves through contrasts – using good and bad experiences with others. Or, at least, that’s what most of us think. We live under the illusion that we are thoroughly aware of the choices we make.
If you grew up in a healthy home, your parents showered you with love and warmth. They were almost always available to you and made sure to cater to the (many) needs you had as a baby and, later, as a child.
As a result, you grew up to be a healthy, self-assured, independent, adult. You know how to cultivate harmonious, fluid, and respectful relationships with others – be it with friends, in business, or in the romantic sphere.
But what happens if we don’t grow up in a healthy home?
Let’s face it, most of us did not grow up in particularly healthy environments. Some of us faced emotional abuse, although our parents were not necessarily aware of the damage they caused us as they were raising us.
I grew up in a single-parent home, with a mother who was anxious, controlling, and who often yelled at us. It is true that she loved us very much.
However, as children, we could not understand that. When you are a child, your brain is not capable of understanding the complex situations you find yourself in. You see the world as either black or white, good or bad. Sometimes mom was bad, and sometimes mom was good.
What does any of this have to do with love and relationships?
When my needs as a child went unmet (because my mom was busy, or she was working, or she was tired after a long and exhausting day), my mom was bad, and my need for connecting with her was greater, which led to increased fear of abandonment.
When my needs were addressed I was a happy and secure baby.
This kind of lack of consistency, which I am sure you can relate to, distorts our ability to build satisfying, stable relationships as adults.
We carry our childhood reactions (crying, anger, fear, dependency, controlling) in the face of threatening situations (my mom is not there for me) into adulthood.
Often, our reactions as adults are completely out of proportion to the situations we find ourselves in.
Why is that? Because when we experience a particularly threatening situation, it triggers a natural reaction – one that already exists in our subconscious – and it erupts without us being aware where the reaction originated.
Take, for example, Amy – one of my clients. She told me that her fiance is hardly ever available to her.
Every time he doesn’t answer when she calls or he goes out with his buddies, she feels an overwhelming fear that he will leave her, that he doesn’t love her anymore and that he doesn’t want to spend time with her.
Amy grew up with inconsistent parents. They capriciously exploded at her. Sometimes they were indifferent towards her. At other times, if they were not too depressed or stressed, they could express love.
Amy never knew if and when she would receive her parents’ love, so she did everything she could to ensure that her basic need for survival was fulfilled – she used to pretend she was sick, would cry until she got attention, tried very hard to please her parents, obsessively demanded that they stay home with her, and more.
There are, of course, cases where parental neglect is total – where most of a baby’s needs go unmet so that the baby simply gives up on ever having those needs.
Such a baby often grows into an adult who is entirely unaware of his own needs. He was always rejected when he needed someone and he cannot stand the pain of rejection, so he gives up on what truly mattered to him (love, affection, closeness, intimacy).
He simply pretends that he has no need of love or affection. Of course, he does have these needs, so he often draws to him needy women who require constant attention.
Past is prologue
Please note: we will always, always will be attracted to those who reflect a certain pattern of our parents (or caregivers) so we can ‘fix’ the painful childhood trauma and eventually heal.
This happens most often in romantic relationships. This is why we have to learn the same lessons over and over again.
I asked Amy whether she ever had a partner who was available to her and whose love for her was consistent. She said that she went out with two such men, but that she was not at all attracted to them. Amy could not contain their love.
She so yearned for the consistent familiarity of her unfulfilled needs that, when she did receive the love she needed, it was too foreign a sensation. She didn’t know how to handle it.
She was simply unable to accept it when her needs were met and her subconscious wouldn’t allow her to fall in love with these type of guys.
There are so many types of parents that it is impossible to cover all parenting experiences in one article.
You may have grown up with cold parents; perfectionist parents who valued success, competitiveness, and achievement; parents who were part of a cult; controlling and overprotective parents; Narcissist parents; jealous parents; parents who only loved you when you reflected adhered to their values; parents who never permitted you to develop your own independent identity…
So what can we do about this?
First of all, read the book of Dr. Harville Hendrix: ‘Keeping The Love You Find‘ as soon as possible.
This book walks you through all stages of your development and shows you where you got stuck.
It will help you identify the unconscious patterns you have been carrying with you since childhood, the ones you adopted to ensure your survival.
Patterns such as: “I must always please others”, “You will only love me if I please you”, “I am worthless”, “I don’t deserve love”, “My own needs are not important”, “I am safe only when in relationship”, “I am only worthy when someone else loves me” and more and more and more.
It is possible that you are aware of some of your subconscious paradigms, but you most certainly do not have a complete picture.
It can be very unpleasant to dig deep into your soul and analyze your personality this way.
Such work can bring with it depression, anxiety, and sadness. It can make you angry with your parents for exposing you to such conditions when you were growing up.
You can be angry with yourself for not putting boundaries in an earlier stage.
But in the end, it is worthwhile getting to know yourself. You can live your whole life reacting to situations automatically (in ways that are not at all related to the actual situations you are reacting to) and wondering why nothing ever changes.
Or, you can take a journey inwards and learn who you are, why you react to things the way you do, why you feel the need to please others, and why you panic when your girlfriend tells you she needs some space.
When I read this book a few years ago, I was shocked. First of all, I was shocked that my mother was not mindful at all about all the way she behaved. I felt sorry for myself. I felt bad for the pain I experienced.
But once I worked my way through my anger at my mom, I finally began to look at myself.
I said to myself, “OK. Come and meet yourself. You’ve always wanted to have your personality analyzed, but you can do the analysis yourself. It is all laid out in this book, all you need to do is connect the dots.”
You have no idea the relief that brings – finally knowing who you are. Even if you don’t love some of the pieces you discover about yourself, nonetheless, you know what makes you tick. You get to visit your own backstage.
I also highly encourage you to read the book of Jean C. Jenson, ‘Reclaiming Your Life: A Step-by-Step Guide to Using Regression Therapy to Overcome the Effects of Childhood Abuse’.
This book will teach you how to subconsciously release the subconscious blocks from your childhood through a grieving process, that is well-explained in the book, with a lot of clear examples.
It’s time to break free of subconscious setbacks.
This first stage is to be aware of your paradigms. In order to change something, you must know what to change.
This is why I always tell my customers to read the affirmations before they listen to the subliminal recordings. You have to check that the affirmations are appropriate for you and correspond to the challenges you want to address.
Awareness of the damage you experienced as a child and the destructive subconscious patterns you employ as an adult is very important, but it is not enough.
Even if we try to control our reactions and promise ourselves we will never react in a destructive way again, it doesn’t help. In fact, it only leads to more frustration.
This is because our desire to change is a conscious desire, but the principle actors who pull the strings are the patterns imprinted on our soul at the subconscious level.
This is where my subliminal programs come into the picture
The subliminal brainwave programs are the ultimate way for you to get into your subconscious so you can reprogram yourself.
The affirmations are hidden and you cannot hear them, which, in turn, makes these recordings a particularly powerful tool in your arsenal.
Beyond the content, the way in which I record the programs – my knowledge, experience, and energy that I bring to them – ensure that my subliminal programs are the best in the market, as can be attested by millions of users worldwide who have completely turned their lives around.
The hidden positive statements are effective in and of themselves, but it is also important to know what word combinations trigger the subconscious, how to record the affirmations (tone, diction, slow pace, authoritative and excited speech, and more.)
So, which recordings should you listen to in order to change the subconscious patterns created by your childhood experiences?
Well, that depends on you and on the affirmations that suit you best. You can find my complete library of recordings here.
In your changing process, try to be aware of your automatic negative responses and choose better ones. This is a very hard to do, but with a strong will, deliberate action, commitment, and the constant use of the subliminals – you are on the right track to shift your paradigms.
There are additional sessions that might be super relevant to you that are not listed in the library. You can find these extra recordings using the following links:
What does it feel like to live an unimpeded life?
Breaking free of your old, frustrating chains that led to neediness, clinginess, fear of abandonment, the belief that you are unlovable, that you will never find love, that you are not valuable or worthy….
Breaking free of these bonds is like being released from prison.
When you unravel your old neurological wiring and create for yourself new paradigms, everything will change for the better.
You will become self-confident, you will no longer feel an unexplainable need to please others or flatter someone just so they would like you… You will feel good about yourself, you will project an energy of love and light, and you will attract positive, self-aware people that are going through an enlightenment process themselves.
The Law of Attraction will work for you better and more consistently since you will maintain high vibrations for a significant length of time, and you will not experience any end downs that stop your momentum.
You can finally be in perfect alignment with your being.
In case you missed it, here is a link to my meditation library.
If you feel a connection to more than one audio recording, please note that you can get unlimited downloads for one fixed price.
Once you’ve downloaded the recordings, you can keep them forever – even after your subscription expires. Please click here for more details.