Have people told you that you have a tendency to criticize others for every little thing? Is your partner complaining you’re picking on him/her all the time? Do you allow your loved ones to be themselves or do they have to walk on eggshells around you?
Criticizing others for the smallest things is devastating – both for you and the people you point your fingers at. Criticism is a destructive behavior that can be stopped easily if you only become aware of it and express an inner will to change it. Stopping the cycle of criticism will enable you to enjoy yourself more around other people, you will be able to deepen your connections with others (especially the ones you love), you will be happier in social situations, and your inner satisfaction about yourself will increase.
Expressing our dissatisfaction about things that bother us is completely natural and even necessary in order to develop good relationships with people. However, when we make those complaints part of our routine, it no longer serves us and instead of strengthening the relationship It just makes it worse. Picking on small things when it comes to others not only will lead us to results we don’t want – it will do the opposite.
So how can you tell if you have a critical and judgmental personality?
- If very minor things about the other person bothers you unnecessarily, whether you say it out loud or keep it to yourself
- When you tend to ignore the good traits of people and focus on what’s “wrong” with them and the things they need to “get better” at
- When you feel like you’re right all or most of the time
- When you feel the need to control the situation
It’s a myth to think that people with a critical personality tend to criticize themselves as well. Some of them do and some of them don’t. It’s a myth to think that criticizing people judge others to feel good about themselves. Some of them do it subconsciously to feel better about themselves, but many of them feel good about themselves already and they don’t need to be condescending to others to feel happier or better. There are many reasons why people are criticizing others and there’s one thing that all critical people share in common – they don’t do it towards one person or every once in a while. They do it towards many people constantly without even realizing it.
How does the continuous picking on someone ruin you and the person being picked on? Or in other words – why is criticism bad for you?
When you focus on what’s wrong with what the other person is doing or saying, you put yourself in a negative vibe. You’re creating a bad energy around you of negativity and this changes your mood completely, not to mention the disastrous repercussions when it comes to the law of attraction. This bad energy, which leads to a bad mood and negative emotions, brings the other person to a feeling of discomfort and frustration. Your criticism, especially if it happens all the time, puts the other person in a defensive mode. When someone is entering a defensive state, the channel of reception is closed and nothing you say can penetrate those walls. So not only are you surrounding yourself and your relationship with negative energy, your criticism is completely inefficient because the other person’s receptive channel is blocked.
The frustration of the other person who’s being criticized on a regular basis inflicts his/her behavior and feelings on you when in your company. He/she feels they cannot be themselves and this feeling of discomfort is noticeable and creates an additional bad vibe. It also influences their self-esteem and the last thing you want to do to somebody you care about is to bring them down.
Let’s see it clearly in a flowchart:
You express criticism → that creates negative energy and puts you in a bad mood → the other person feels uncomfortable, hurt and unappreciated → this negative emotion creates another bad energy → the person who’s being criticized uses self-defense (self-defense can also be disregarding your comments) → your criticism cannot pass the walls the other person has built → the criticism cannot lead to a change → your relationship is getting wounded.
Note: It’s important to mention this again – when you’re criticizing somebody else when it’s necessary about an important matter and when it happens once in a while – that’s absolutely fine. Then, the other person is not automatically prepared to defend himself and is interested in improving the relationship (even if it doesn’t happen right away.) Your relationship is, in this case, getting stronger and you both feel you can be yourselves without the fear of saying or doing something that will create a negative reaction.
How can you improve yourself and accept others?
You need to understand that we all are different and others cannot and should not match who they are to whatever your standards may be. If you feel like you cannot connect to the foundation of the other person’s personality, don’t be around him or her. But, if you feel the connection to the core of the other person’s personality, and all that is left are the small things – just let them go. You can let them go by realizing that these things are all that are left to condemn. You can let it go by being happy that you are allowing the other person be him/herself around you. It’s their right to be themselves and to own these small things that allegedly drive you nuts. If those small things don’t hurt you in any way, but create an unexplained annoyance in you, simply let them have it. It’s theirs and it’s ok to be different than you. You probably have your own small things and that is what makes you unique. You wouldn’t like to be criticized for those tiny things, so why to do it to others?
These small things make us special; they define us from other people. Oftentimes, those small things made us connect to the other person in the first place. Again, if something does hurt you in any way, then you should say it and make it clear you don’t like it. What I am talking about here are the small things we criticize on a daily basis that are completely needless and can be ignored easily. Many arguments and negative feelings on both sides can be prevented if you learn to be aware of the way you perceive other people’s differences. It is alright to let people be; it is their right, it’s their life, and it is who they are. You can accept it openly and lovingly, or you can complain nonstop, achieve no change from their side and hurt your relationship. How are you going to look at this?